Puerto Rico

There were several reasons for me to make a detour from my South American route and head out to the Caribbean island of Puerto Rico. For starters, I really wanted to pay my friend Xavier a long overdue visit.

Xavier and one of his nastier brews

Secondly, I had decided that I deserved a little vacation; now I realize that this may sound a bit incongruous coming from someone who's been living a life of leisure for the last nine months. Nevertheless, I should point out that travelling the globe is not always the flashy experience people think it is. At times it is a somewhat tiresome experience. Indeed, you often have to get up way too early to catch a bus in which you bump around for hours on the worse unpaved roads imaginable; when the bus reaches its destination, you are inevitably met by beggars and touts all eager to help you part with your cash. Thereafter, you have to slash your way through the oppressive layers of stinking human greed and get into a taxi; if you are lucky, the driver will not pull into some dark alley where his sidekicks are waiting to beat the living shit out of you and steal all your belongings. Finally you arrive at the hostel and you check into a room that seems to be the perfect breeding ground for cockroaches.

A day spent on a dusty bus rubbing elbows with the third world will make you want to take a shower to scrub the filth off your body, and so you head into musty bathroom where nothing really seems to work. But this is only half the fun, for in South America, a hot shower involves defying certain laws of physics better left unhampered. Indeed, as everyone knows, mixing water and electricity is a rather dangerous proposal which usually results in a funeral. Nevertheless, Latin American shower manufacturers don't seem to be aware of this fact and in most places across the continent, the hot water option on this electric shower requires you to stick a plug into the socket located dangerously close to the water spray. You can take this option and risk electrocution, or you can take a cold shower. Period.

The hostels are usually crawling with crusty traveller types who could certainly do with a good wash as well, but are too absorbed into debates about the nefarious effects of the global economy to do so. So, as you escape the smell of the bad arguments and sweaty armpits, you go out and flag a taxi to drive you to a restaurant located less than one block down the street. As flashy as this may sound, under no circumstances should you ever walk alone in most cities in Latin America, which are notoriously plagued with extremely violent crime (strangulation is not uncommon, nor is stabbing or first degree homicide).

It sounds like a pretty nice place doesn't it? Oh yes it is! But hang on, this is not all. August is a month when the gringo trail is crawling with tourists and consequently all the prices are significantly hiked up; everything becomes slightly overrun with boring ‘off-the-beaten-track’ blokes who are on a mission to explore all of South America in three weeks. I opted to leave those people at their MUST-SEE sites and planned my getaway.

Since I know most of you rewarded yourself with a few weeks of holidays after having spent exhausting months sitting in A/C office buildings and the associated 30K cars, I decided I also deserved a little pampering vacation for what I’d endured so far, and so off I went to the most Westernized island of the Caribbean: Puerto Rico; but let’s kick off with a little bit of history of Puerto Rico.

Westin Rio Mar Resort

Before the landing of Christopher Columbus (who'd probably lost his way again) in Puerto Rico on his second trip to the area in 1493, the island was populated by Indians which, for the most part, were quite friendly compared to the somewhat cannibalistic indigenes found on more southerly islands. These Indians enjoyed a rather a peaceful and bucolic existence.

When history's most overrated and lucky navigator's sails popped up on the Puerto Rican horizon, a tribal leader exclaimed: "I'd give us another twenty minutes before our first ass-raping!” and this was no vain premonition, for the conquest of the island was swift, and the peaceful Indians were soon put to the task as slaves for the purpose of mining the gold that was found on the island for a brief period of time.

The Spaniards enjoyed a God-like status for over fifteen years but this was effectively ended when the Indians, seeking confirmation of their divine nature, dunk one of the invaders head-first in a river for an hour to see if he would survive. They had prepared a feast to worship the God just in case he made it, but he didn't, and an uprising soon ensued. Understandably, the Spaniards weren't all too keen to lose this "Rich Port" serving as a strategic base on the way from the New World to Europe, and they fought back. Nevertheless, it wasn't the Spanish sword that took most of the lives of the indigenes, but the diseases that they brought from Europe and against which the Indians had no defence.

The island remained Spanish despite the Indian revolt and the numerous conquest attempts by the English and the Dutch, whose colonial ambitions also played out across the region. Privateers, amongst which Sir Francis Drake, licensed by their respective crowns to plunder remote foreign colonies, were effectively fenced off by the fort of 'El Morro' built by the Spaniards in order to guard the approaches to the San Juan harbour. In 1798, following the failure by the British to capture the island, the Spanish colony was kept intact. A century later however - and almost to the date - owing to its victory in Spanish-American War, the United States was ceded the island of Puerto Rico.

Some time later, Puerto Ricans became American citizens and the island was declared an unincorporated Commonwealth territory of the United States. Today, many Puerto Ricans move between the colony and United States to get the best of both worlds. Statistics show that it has some of the most favourable economic conditions in Latin America and the Caribbean, which means it has all the landmarks in American standardized consumerism: K-Mart, Burger King and Home Depot, to name but a few. In comparison to the United States, however, Puerto Rico's position is still quite below that of the poorest state of the Union.

Although Puerto Ricans enjoy most of the benefits of American citizenship, they still lack, for example, the right to vote in United States presidential elections. This is one of the many reasons why the debate over statehood still rages and the progressist party advocates full incorporation into the US.

Keep your ear to the ground, for in the event that Puerto Rico ever becomes a State of America, I’m convinced there'll be a lot of money to be made from the business of manufacturing and selling the new 51 Star Spangled Banner to Dick Cheney’s fan club and the many patriots found across the homeland.

WESTIN RIOMAR RESORT AND ICACOS ISlAND

Puerto Rico appartement view

Puerto Rico is an island that enjoys a subtropical climate. This means that in September, it is also subject to tropical storms and hurricanes (the power of which was demonstrated in a gruesome way in Louisiana only days before my arrival). Therefore, I consider myself extremely lucky that it hardly ever rained during my three weeks on the island. We were staying at the Westin Riomar villas close to San Juan. This superb luxury resort comes complete with two PGA golf courses, a prime beach location, swimming pools, a spa, a casino… you name it and they’ve got it.

Rio Mar

resort transport

We took a boat and, along with Xavier’s best friends, we went to the island of Icacos, which would set the tone for the coming three weeks.

Boat to icacos

Gretchen

Alexandra, Gretchen and Xavier

Xavier had decided to be on holiday as well and so we took life extremely easily, not forcing ourselves into too much activity. Nevertheless, we did manage to do some very cool stuff, namely paddling a kayak at night around the little port of Fajardo.

BIOLUMINESCENT BAY

If you take only one sightseeing trip in Puerto Rico, it should be to the bioluminescent bay. At night, after making a half-hour paddle through a canal that winds through mangroves, you reach an enclosed lagoon and set your paddles down in the dark water to witness a spectacular secret of nature seen in very few places.

You simply run a hand through the water, and a greenish glow whirls off your fingers like stardust. The fishes are mysteriously encapsulated in a glow of sparkles and flash past your kayak at regular intervals. The mosaic of underwater light, each tiny dot of it resembling a firefly, is in fact produced by microscopic organisms that create bioluminescence through a chemical reaction when disturbed.

Although bioluminescence is actually a very common phenomenon which I had witnessed during a night dive in Thailand, it never comes close to the intensity you find in this ecosystem.

It's hard to resist the temptation to jump out of your kayak, for the effect is particularly striking when swimming through the bioluminescent stream which sends sprinkling sparkles off every inch of your body at every stroke. Although the glow is nearly impossible to catch on photograph due to the low light, a trip to the bay is a magical and ghostly, yet peaceful experience.

P-O-N-C-E

Our road trip around the island took us further South, to the Casa Cautino in Guayamo and later to P-O-N-C-E, the second biggest city on the island. The reason why I spell P-O-N-C-E like this is to mirror the massive sculpture that you drive through as you get into town which expresses the pride of the local population. It would piss off both Alexandra and Robbie if I said that there is not much to write home about P-O-N-C-E, and so that is exactly what I’ll say. Although in all fairness I should add that it isn’t a bad place at all, but the fuss the locals make about it seems a little bit uncalled for. We decided not to linger and headed out to La Parguera, a fishing village which has developed onto a popular resort center while maintaining much of its small town atmosphere. Numerous mangrove cays and islets form some little channels on the water you can sail through. It is a very nice place, although on a week day, the town isn’t exactly bustling, but more of a Clint Eastwood with his gun in his holster type of place. We drove on to the North Western town of Rincon and then to the Camuy caves.

CAMUY CAVES

Camuy is apparently one of the largest cave systems in the world. I'm not a big expert in caves, but these great subterranean cathedral-like caverns have been carved out by a river during a period that must have spanned over a million years. They are really huge, and would be an awesome venue to organize a big caveman party or something alike.

Getting there is another matter altogether though. Owing to the understandable popularity of this spectacular site, it is quite surprising that there is a complete lack of official road marks to indicate directions. Some enterprising locals have taken advantage of this loophole by attaching ¨las cuevas de Camuy¨ boards along the way. You would think that takes you right to the place, but no; the little turds behind this prank make you drive about 40 minutes off your track and lead you to some grubby theme park where kids can ride a poney, eat ice creams and shit like that. I wasn't all too impressed with the whole Camuy thing, especially because we had woken up at crack of dawn (10am that is, haha) to go there. Xavier assured me we had been misled.

Cueva de Camuy

He was right, and after some more driving we reached the genuine park; "las cavernas de Camuy". It has all the trademarks of a rather touristy place: it is equipped with picnic areas, it has food facilities, a souvenir shop and a tour train which, as we would later discover, must be one of the crappiest ones on earth. Indeed, as we came out of the cavern at the end of our interesting tour, rain was pouring down by the buckets. One would think this is no problem whatsoever in a park equipped with such transport; not so in Camuy, for here the bloody train has no roof, which is completely ridiculous in a place that enjoys both an important influx of tourists and six months of tropical storms.

We were soaking wet when we made it back to the car but luckily we were on a road trip and thus a fresh set of clothes was awaiting us in the trunk. We didn’t have a place to change though and as we drove to a nearby restaurant that turned out to be closed, Xavier spotted a perfect shelter as we drove past someone’s car port. Unfortunately, the house was deserted; I would have had a blast seeing Xavier argue with the owner as to why he was standing butt naked in his driveway. A damn shame it wasn’t to be so.

THE ARECIBO OBERVATORY

We drove on towards the Arecibo observatory, the LARGEST satellite in the world which was featured in the movie ‘Contact’ in which scientist Jodie Foster blows a lot of public money to hitch a hike into outer space or something along those lines. The dish is absolutely huge, but unless astronomy is your hobby, you’d be my personal hero if you managed to keep your eyes peeled on it for more than 2 minutes and also sat through the entire awful 30 minute film shown on site.

EL YUNQUE AND THE CHUPACABRA

One of the functions of the Arecibo observatory is to probe for life in outer-space. Now what is it with Puerto Ricans and their obsession with UFOs? In the rainforest area, there is a myth about a mysterious creature called “El Chupacabra” which is supposed to be a dangerous alien who reaps havoc in “El Yunque”. The name Chupacabra literally translates into “the goat sucker” and came after some goats were found dead with vampire wounds on their necks.

El Yunque

One veterinarian said "it could be a human being who belongs to a religious sect, even another animal. It could also be someone who wants to make fun out of the Puerto Rican people."

I believe the latter is closest to the truth, but some are still convinced that the wounds on the dead goats indicate an alien presence. Those who think the Chupacabra is an alien also believe that there is a massive government and mass media conspiracy to keep the truth hidden from the people, probably to prevent panic. The affair was blown so much out of proportion that, some time ago, a Puerto Rican government official introduced a resolution asking for an official investigation to clarify the situation. Furthermore, ‘Inside Edition’ sent a crew to Puerto Rico to cover the story and, quite understandably, ridiculed the whole idea. Nevertheless, the view is still maintained among large chunks of the population.

Apparently, the Government is also projecting to build an “OVNI port” to make alien landings on the island easier; now, if this is true, these people need help, and not the kind one finds in self-help books.

THE CAUTINO CUP AT 'EL COMMANDANTE'

Our road trip ended with the Cautino Cup, a horse race which took place on September 11. After we had bet some money and ended up with a break-even, Xavier had to deliver the cup to the winner and say a few words on live TV. The dude suggested I’d give out the runner up trophy and assured me I’d have nothing else to do than shake a few hands. I accepted. My god what a big mistake! It turned out to be biggest ever blow to my ego. The journalist, after a long prattle with a thick Caribbean accent, suddenly and unexpectedly poked his microphone under my nose and I had absolutely no idea what he’d been talking about. I had no clue whether I was supposed to reply to one of his questions or just thank everyone and their mother. In the ensuing commotion, I blanked and ended up ridiculously saying “Muchas Gracias”.

It is worth pointing out that this event was being broadcasted live across Puerto Rico, Venezuela, Colombia, Panama, the US Virgin Islands and the Dominican Republic. And of course a copy of the DVD of my personal 911 is on its way to Europe. Damn!

OLD SAN JUAN

San Juan is located on the Northern Coast of Puerto Rico and it is a major port and tourist resort. Interestingly, it is the oldest city under the U.S flag. During the early 16th century, San Juan was the point of departure of Spanish expeditions to charter unknown parts of the New World. San Juan is the largest urban centre of the island, and the metropolitan area is home to over one third of the 4 million inhabitants of Puerto Rico. San Juan is the country's financial capital, and many U.S. banks and corporations maintain offices or distributing centres there. It is a very pleasant city, with cobbled streets flanked by colourful colonial architecture. It has a few museums, and on a rainy day, we decided to visit the Puerto Rican Museum of Arts. What a great move. As we reached the patio, we saw the most beautiful artwork the island had to offer: the future contestant to Miss Universe, which Puerto Rico has won a record four times.

We hung out in the lobby while the girls went through their routine and, with big smiles on our faces proceeded to our next visit: the casa Bacardi

BACARDI, PARTIES AND CONCERTS

Bacardi’s factory also serves as a museum where visitors can tour the history of the company and its manufacturing process. The visit itself is not as interesting as the marketing strategy behind it. As is common with the largest distillery on earth, the presentation of its communication package is impeccable and it really raises brand awareness. After sampling some of its newer brews, we were in high spirits to go party in town, and of course we did.

The last week of my stay in Puerto Rico was in fact spent playing golf (on the PlayStation…), going to concerts and various party venues across San Juan. It was a great way to maintain the high level of entertainment we had enjoyed for three weeks.

concert

Xavier and Jorge

As vacations go, they usually represent the highlight of our year, and mine in Puerto Rico was no exception. This was made so by the incredible welcome I got from Xavier and all his great friends. Xavier, I’m really grateful for my wonderful time on your island bro, and I definitely owe you big time for this perfect holiday!

Xavier in Kudeta Lounge

Although the contrast with what awaits me will be sharp, my batteries are now fully charged and I’m ready to pounce again, so bring on Ecuador!